


My First Love . . .

by QueenAnnaKenobi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Fate of the Jedi Series - Aaron Allston & Troy Denning & Christie Golden
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Broken Heart, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:21:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27202394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenAnnaKenobi/pseuds/QueenAnnaKenobi
Summary: Ben Skywalker thought Vestara had turned away from the Dark Side. He thought she loved him as much as he loved her. But she betrayed him. Now he has to deal with that pain.Vestara Khai did love Ben Skywalker. But she had no choice. It was betray him or die. Now she's on her own with Ship, and she has to deal with her own broken heart.
Relationships: Vestara Khai/Ben Skywalker (Star Wars Legends)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. My First Love Was a Sith

**Author's Note:**

> So on the whole I really loved Fate of the Jedi, and the choices Vestara made were consistent with her character. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt, because I really did like Vestara Khai. And I needed an outlet for the pain. So here's Ben and Ves dealing with the emotions from her betrayal and escape.

It would be easier if she had died. I would still carry the gaping hole I know Dad and Tahiri both will always have, but I wouldn’t feel the sting of betrayal.

Why did you do it, Ves? Was any of it real? Jaina thought it was, that as strong as I am in the Force, you couldn’t have fooled me otherwise. But if you really did love me, why did you do it? Why did you betray me and my whole family? What is stronger than love?

I know Dad wishes he and Mom had sorted out their differences sooner so that they could have had more time together, and for his sake I wish that too. For my own, I’m glad things worked out the way they did. I’m glad Dad had such a poor romantic history before he married Mom because it means he knows what I’m going through. I’m not alone. I’m not the only one to be tricked and betrayed by a girl.

I’m such a karking fool! Of course she never meant any of it. I was just naïve enough to think I could actually turn her to the light.

Dad was able to turn both Grandfather and Mom to the light. Grandfather who spent two decades immersed in the Dark Side, and Mom who was raised by Darth Sidious himself. Was I not strong enough? Did I not love her enough? Did I not give her enough to fight for? I know that even Dad has not been able to redeem every Darksider he’s attempted to turn. He’s even given me the list. But those he loved the most _did_ turn. And so I think the simple fact of the matter is that I am not my father. I will never be the man or the Jedi that Luke Skywalker is every day.

Dad keeps reminding me that it was Vestara’s choice to make. That her actions are not my fault. I know that. But I should have at least seen that she was playing me the whole time. I had the evidence. I saw the transcript of her conversation with her father. But I thought she’d really changed. I thought she really wanted to be a Jedi. I thought she really loved me.

Those letters to her “Jedi father” I found her writing weren’t faked for my benefit. I know that much. That vulnerability was real. But if she was playing me that whole time, what were they?

She _did_ kill her father, and her people wanted to kill her for it. That was entirely real. But was any of her love?

Maybe it doesn’t even matter. Whether or not her love was real, her betrayal most certainly was. The best lies have some truth in them. Even if her love was real, she still played me for a fool, betrayed me and the Jedi Order, and attempted to assassinate my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Nothing will ever change that.

I hate the memory of our time together. I was such a fool. In the moment, it was good. Wonderful, even. I enjoyed her company. We worked well as a team. I thought I’d found what Mom and Dad had. It’s not like their relationship didn’t start out with Mom swearing she was going to kill Dad. And Ves wasn’t trying to kill _me_. She saved my life multiple times.

I’m surprised she didn’t kill me. She had a perfect opportunity with that last kiss—multiple times, actually. It’s not like we didn’t go to the Font of Power alone. She had time before Jaina showed up. There were many times I was nearly dying and she actually saved me. It doesn’t make any sense. She could have done the proper Sith thing and run me through. Instead, she gave me that last goodbye kiss—one that would have been perfect if it weren’t for her betrayal and the fact that Dad was apparently dying—and then she escaped.

What did she actually want? What was her real game? What am I missing? And when will she make her next attempt on my family’s lives?

Because whether or not she wants me dead, she _does_ want Uncle Han, Aunt Leia, and Allana dead, and probably Jaina and Dad too. Whatever her sick, twisted desires towards me are, she wants my family gone. And a threat against them can’t stand.

There’s no one I want to hunt down more than Vestara Khai. What will I do if I find her? I don’t know. It is not the Jedi way to kill her out of anger and vengeance, and I know that Mom regrets that she hunted Jacen out of similar motives. But Vestara is too dangerous to be allowed to roam free.

My family has lost too much to the Dark Side already. I’m not going to lose another family member. Not if I have anything to say about it.

She left in _Ship_. And Dad’s sending me and Tahiri after _Ship_. Sooner or later, I’ll catch up with her. And how that will end, only time will tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mara never actually used the Dark Side, so Luke saving her isn't quite the same as redeeming Darksiders, but Ben did canonically make that comparison.


	2. My First Love Was a Jedi

I still love Ben Skywalker. He’s so handsome and kind and funny…and I’m afraid of him and his father.

I’m sorry, Ben. I didn’t want to betray you by revealing Allana’s identity and attacking the Solos, but I had no choice. The Sith would have killed me otherwise. I know what you’d say, that I always have a choice, but I’m not you, Ben. I’m not selfless. And that’s why I can never be a Jedi.

I hope we never see each other again. We can never meet without one of us ending up dead, and I don’t think that person would be you. You’re forgiving, but you’re not _that_ forgiving. Not when I attempted to assassinate your family. Not when I did what I did to your heart.

But I did love you, Ben. That was never a lie. Something about you drew me from the start. My father told me to use it against you, so I did. But that doesn’t mean I never loved you.

I didn’t lie to you that night after I killed my father, when you came to me and found my letters. I really did want to be a Jedi. I wanted to be able to be with you. I wanted to be able to have the kind of life you have. In spite of the circumstances, that night as you held me, I felt the most loved and comforted I’ve ever been.

But you were wrong, Ben. I can’t become a Jedi. It’s impossible. I knew that for sure when I killed Natua Wan. I don’t regret it, Ben, I can’t. It was her or you, and I couldn’t lose you. You would have found another way, I’m sure, but _I_ didn’t. In that moment, I thought like a Sith because I _am_ a Sith. I always have been and I always will be. I’m never going to be noble and self-sacrificing like you. It’s not possible. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.

I wanted to find a way for us to be together. That’s what I was after when I asked you if you’d ever thought about leaving the Jedi. At first, I’d wanted you to turn to the Dark Side. That would have been easiest. But then I realized how much that would change you. You wouldn’t be _Ben_ if you were a Sith. I tried to be a Jedi. But that was as useless as making you a Sith. Leaving both sects of Force users was my last ditch option. I thought maybe we could be bounty hunters, a husband and wife team. But you would never do that. And I knew it was over.

I knew after Natua Wan that our time was limited. A time would come when I would be forced to kill you, and it would destroy me to do it. But I wonder: could I actually do it? You’re powerful and you know me better than anyone, which makes you a formidable adversary, but that isn’t what I mean. I ran, Ben, rather than kill you. I tell myself it’s because Jaina was with you and I _know_ I’m not strong enough to defeat her, but is that the truth? Is it really because I don’t think I’m strong enough to win that I ran and continue running? Or is it because I’m afraid there would be nothing left of me if I ran you through with my lightsaber?

I think about that last kiss I gave you, standing outside the _Rude Awakening_ , a kiss that meant everything you are to me, a kiss that meant goodbye forever. I probably could have killed you then, though Jaina most certainly would have killed me immediately after. And I’m not sure if I didn’t do the deed because of Jaina or because I can’t kill you. I just know that I’m glad you’re still alive. And I’m glad I have that kiss and all the others to remember.

Leaving you was painful enough. Knowing what you think of me now, knowing that I can never see you again. Knowing you will never be proud of me. I wish I could hear those words again from you, but it’s not possible. You would be ashamed of who I am. It is one of the most painful things I have experienced to be apart from you, Ben, but I do what _Ship_ says and channel that pain into the Dark Side. It makes me stronger. It makes me a better Sith. Maybe strong enough to someday go back to my people and rule them rather than fear them. But it will never make me strong enough to face you or your father again.

I know you hate me, Ben, and you have every reason to wish me dead. Just know that I still love you, even if I let the pain of that love fuel the Dark Side you hate so much, and I hope we never see each other again.

Because if we do, one of us is not walking away, and that will destroy me.


End file.
